I keep my hospital room at, what I assume to be, an atypically frigid temperature for a cancer patient. My thermostat is set at 68 degrees despite the fact that I have the hair and immune system of a naked mole rat with prenatal AIDS.
I just run hot. Liana calls me “the rotisserie” and goes through efforts to deal with the oppressive heat output from my overactive body furnace…and she grew up in the tropics!
Since getting lit with the cancers I’ve had some issues with body heat regulation. My temperature usually hovers around 96 degrees these days. I’m like a cold blooded leukemia lizard, but I still keep my room chilly because warm air doesn’t feel fresh to me. Combine that unfresh feeling with the already germy nature of hospital air and you’ve got me riding co-pilot alongside Howard Hughes in a hypochondriac tailspin of the Spruce Goose.
I realized I was feeling a slight chill the other day and was about to go through the hassle of standing up from my desk, unplugging my IV from the wall, wheeling the damn thing around over my chords so I could reach something to put over my shoulders. This is a big production and is way more annoying that it sounds, trust me, my life is tethered swimming:
Right as I was mustering up my limited energy begin the process, an RN pops in with a package for me. It was a J-Crew box with a return address from my hometown of Oneida, NY. My day was immediately brightened as I noticed that the sender had written “Jason’s Crew” on the box in a delightfully cute expression of hometown solidarity
.
What happened next was one of the most serendipitously surreal experiences of my life. I opened the box to find a hand crocheted shawl that was delivered to me in my EXACT MOMENT OF NEED. I spared no moment between pulling it out of the box and wrapping it around my shoulders and I was instantly warmed from the inside out.
It turns out that a group of little old ladies from the church I attended in my youth made me a “prayer shawl” out of the kindness of their blessed little old lady hearts. I’m picturing a group of adorable Betty Whites sitting in a circle in the church rec room with their needles sitting in a circle and working all at once. They are thinking nothing but kind sincere thoughts about me and putting every ounce of energy and love they have into this creative prayer for me. It may literally be the sweetest fucking thing that anybody has ever done for me…and all in the name of altruistic Christian faith.
Disclaimer: The remainder of this article contains a very real, frank and honest discussion about religion that some may find controversial. Please know it is my last intention to offend or disrespect anybody for anything they believe, yet I am still going take the gloves off and treat the subject matter with as much intellectual integrity as important topics deserve. When I think of concepts/institutions such as religion I consider them no different than the concept of “math” or “philosophy” or even some garbage popular TV show on CBS. They are ideas that deserve and require open thought and honest discourse. Though the concept of religion carries a far heavier emotional weight than most topics, it is still just an intellectual construct of our minds that deserves our most honest and open exchange of thoughts and ideas. Also I haven’t eaten all day upon writing this, so please take it easy on me if my empty tummy expresses itself with cynicism. I don’t mean it, honest!
My relationship with The First Presbyterian Church of Oneida was never deep, it was basically non-existent. I went to Sunday school and Easter service but was otherwise raised secularly. The church, and thus Christianity, was not something that was ever of any importance in my life. The last time I was there was almost exactly a year ago to eulogize my father and before that I couldn’t even tell you how long it had been since I even thought about the church. Hell, I even slipped a swear word into the eulogy as an immature rebellion of the fact that I was even addressing a Christian congregation! I felt uncomfortable, and slightly resentful, with the fact that I was publicly saying goodbye to my father in a way that made no personal sense to me.
My view of organized religion is that of a modern existential liberal intellectual. I don’t believe in God, I think institutionalized religion is more of a harm than a blessing on society and I have actively spoken out against the very idea of faith in an undefinable higher power (please understand that these are just my personal thoughts and I would never dream of judging somebody who disagrees with me. I love it when people disagree with me and welcome it. There is no hate in me for religion or God, these are just my views and I respect them as much as I respect ideas to the contrary. I love that you love God, please continue to do so and know that I nothing but respect for you for doing so, but it’s just not my thing.) Choose Your Own Adventure: How many more disclaimers would you like there to be in this sweet blog? Scroll to page 4 or 8 depending on your current level of intellectual adventurousness!
Reality is subjective (sorry for the absolute statement, but we have to start somewhere). Institutionalized religion’s purpose is to define objectivity to reality, which is a semantic and literal impossibility due to the fact that objectivity cannot be perceived by a subjectivity. To believe that one specific reality is objectively true without the ability to perceive anything other than a filtered version of existence through the lense of your own subjectivity (and far worse, the subjectivity of others) is intellectually counterproductive and an arrogance based on ignorance. To suggest that true morality can only exist beyond the construction of the human intellect is to do a great disservice to us as a society and our consciousness. I won’t argue that some people truly need the guidance of a morality that is assigned to them, and there is nothing wrong with this at all. As I have mentioned before, relinquishing control can be the most personally liberating thing you can do for yourself and I have nothing but respect for those who chose to do so in this school of thought. As the designer of my own subjective view of reality though, I will forever take a more proactive, personalized and present approach when it comes to my relationship with faith and morality.
But these little old ladies and everybody else from the church that played a part in this gorgeous gesture totally de-grinched my heart in a way that I never imagined religion could. I felt it it. My “soul” was lifted and I felt the power of faith that BILLIONS of people on this planet feel. I finally understood why people are drawn to it and I’m absolutely going to have a much more open mind from now on. It is totally up to me to decide how open and accepting I am of other people and their beliefs… and believe me when I say that those little old ladies opened me up to the beauty and power of the concept of their God in a profound way that will never leave my soul. May their God bless them for challenging my cynicism by performing the most basic function of their existence as Christians: They accepted and comforted me with their prayers of love. Please continue to send them my way, and I’ll continue to send you mine.The prayers I have received since my diagnosis make more sense to me now and I can honestly say that I have found true meaning in them. Thank you all.
This is the best entry yet! Keep em coming!!
You think so? Thank you! I was a bit nervous about posting it. I’m all about stirring the pot, but I truly didn’t want to offend anybody
No way I agree with your views on religion but I like how you were specific in saying that you don’t condone people for believing in a god.
First of all – I love the picture of the naked mole rat and the tethered swimmer!! The visuals are priceless. I love that the ladies at the church made you a prayer shawl and that you got it just when you needed it. Peoples’ thoughts on religion/faith/God are always interesting, and I think we are constantly changing in our beliefs. I have always found comfort in my faith, but really consider it a gift from my parents. I’m not so sure what my feeling would be if I had grown up differently. I think our relationships with people and the way we treat our fellowman are more important that the labels we put on things. Goodness and Beauty speak for themselves. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for accepting our prayers. (I’m afraid the reality/objectivity/subjectivity was too deep for me. Teaching 4th grade all those years took its toll.) Stay warm!
Thank you for your willing candor on the subject. This is the kind of discourse that I was hoping to open. The beliefs of others and how they came about has always been a subject of great interest to me. Familial tradition is clearly the main reason people end up with their beliefs and it makes me wonder where this world would be had nobody ever passed down such a tradition all. Time for a thought experiment!
Thank you for your support and dialogue as always
In my opinion you don’t need to go to church to be a believer. I think it’s more important to do good and not hurt others with words and actions. Some people who claim they are believers and do the opposite of the above statement. I love this story of how an action of love can bring such comfort and warmth. Healing thoughts to you!
I agree. Belief and the actual attending of church can be mutually exclusive ideas, but then again so can the idea of morality and belief.
Definitely true.
But believe in what? Truth? Goodness? Christianity? God?
Hi Jason,
Interesting post. I heard recently that faith -different from religion-is in constant danger of extinction. If every generation doesn’t plant the seed of faith in their children, it would die within the the next twenty year cycle. Many, my self included, find great solace in faith. The longer I live, the more certain I am that there is very little that is truly random. I hold you in my prayers, and hope that the power it harnesses travels the distance between here and you.
We’ll need to get a working definition of “faith” going before we can really dig into this, I think. Semantics are important in such a discussion.
Since we are speaking of faith outside of the concept of religion, can we agree that
“Faith” is a confidence or trust used to refer to a belief that is not based on proof or evidence.
So you are are suggesting then that the overall concept of “trust in an uncertainty” will be eradicated within twenty years if the very definition of the concept is not passed down to new generations? Does this imply that faith is something that can only be learned from without and is not something that can be obtained from within? My concept of “faith” is something that I have given to myself, it is not something that I was taught nor was it passed down as a tradition. To assume that faith is something that has to be taught suggests an insecurity in our own ability to understand reality. Insecurity, to me, is weakness… so thus how can we find strength if we don’t allow ourselves the intellectual ability to be secure with our own reality?
I have faith, but I have developed my own sense of faith based upon the only thing that I can truly understand: my subjective perceptions of reality. The “faith” that I have only goes so far as to define concepts that I have defined in my own consciousness, because nothing else can truly be trusted objectively.
I guess I’m saying that the only faith I have is within the randomness of existence. That randomness, however, is objectively perceivable to any of us, thus we define our own realities and create our own faith based upon our subjective thoughts.
So…. my faith exists in how I perceive, define and value the randomness of existence. That’s a kind of faith, right? 🙂
This has been fun. Thank you for engaging me Mrs. Lindsey!! Sincerely. I heard about the cookies and boy would I enjoy one of those right now! Thank you so much for the thought!
love,
Jason
In the context we are discussing, i guess i had it backwards. Religion (the tradition) is what would disappear within one generation. You are so right on the faith portion. Existential thumps on the forehead are what activate the faith in our synapses. As warped as it may sound, the “gift” of your isolation has given you a chance to examine and choose a direction for the rest of your long life. In a totally reductive exercise, my yardstick is to look back on each day. As I lay my head down each night, I ask myself if I knowingly hurt anyone, did I make anyone’s life better, and resolve to be the best person I can be tomorrow. If the answers to those questions are the correct ones, I can sleep. The footprint of our lives should be substantial, but not trampling on others. Know that I am one of the legions of long ago contacts that hold you in our hearts. It was always so fun and interesting to watch the groups of my childrens’ friends interact and evolve into the adults they were becoming. You’ll know what I mean when you have children. And once againI ramble on….Keep stirring the pot and I’ll keep the dialog going with you!
“In a totally reductive exercise, my yardstick is to look back on each day. As I lay my head down each night, I ask myself if I knowingly hurt anyone, did I make anyone’s life better, and resolve to be the best person I can be tomorrow. If the answers to those questions are the correct ones, I can sleep. The footprint of our lives should be substantial, but not trampling on others”
I woke up this morning with a chemo induced physiological panic attack and read this passage and was immediately calmed. <3 <3 <3
thank you. this is a great exercise that I will employ in my nightly meditations. blessed to have you in my life.
Hi Jason, I’m a little ole lady from OFPC but I did not knit your prayer shawl. I am the webspinner for the church website [www.oneidafirstpres.org] and I have you on our website – front page, larger than life. I have your blog link attached to the ‘blurb’ under your photo and story. Please know that we are all praying for you and your Mom and sister as they are also going thru this experience w/you. What hurts you hurts them. In the weeks to come, I imagine your “soul” will be talking to you quite often. Even at your weakest moments, you and your soul are going to be stronger than you ever thought possible. I enjoy your bog….
Hello Alicia!
Thank you for reaching out and for all of the kind things you have done, thought and prayed for me. I sincerely hope that my honesty in this piece regarding the church, religion or christianity in general was perceived as nothing more than my honest reaction to something I found to be truly amazing. I believe complete honestly is important and I sincerely hope that you and everybody at the church was able to interperet my article in a positive light, despite the semi-controversial themes.
I guess what i’m asking is…. did i do alright? did i piss anybody off? I’d love any words of validation to the contrary from you… or any feedback. It is important to me that everybody knows how gracious I truly am of the church.
thank you for EVERYTHING, seriously 🙂
Woowoo! Mission accomplished!!! You felt the Love, which, to me IS God, in my little world’s nutshell. Thank you so much for sharing the scenario and all your honest thoughts and emotions and ruminations. Pastor Stuart’s nudge to pick one out last Sunday, and the following snow day which allowed me to mail it for arrival RIGHT when you needed it is another is a series of hundreds of faith building smiles that our Director (a la Mrs. Drake only on a way bigger stage) sends our way. Some days I am too preoccupied to notice and am sure I have missed out on some gorgeous, mind stretching grins. But your bare naked heart, like the molerat, being shared so brilliantly in what could be a dark, inward, lonely beat, is creating such light filled, wonderful, soul searching connections for so many people who love you and care about you, including Mister Director in my heart’s humble opinion and daily seeking efforts. No offense was taken by me, only respect for your journey and positively publish worthy ponderings and humor as you travel along, while deeply stirring many hearts and souls. We feel connected to you and are so grateful you feel the Love and prayers of many O town homeys. Keep trolling with us…we are all fishing for truth, wisdom, discernment and Love xo
GINNY!!!
HI. Thank you so much. As soon as I saw the return address on the box I knew you had a hand in this. I hope I did a good enough job explaining how absolutely PERFECT this shawl was at the time. It currently lives on the back of my chair and I wrap it around me several times a day. It provides me with a warmth that goes far beyond physics.
Also thank you for accepting my honest candor on the subject of the church, and thank you for understanding my point of view. It’s a huge load off because you know I have nothing but love for you and the community as a whole that has rallied around me.
Please give my most heartfelt love to all involved. Words cannot describe how I feel. Thank you all for keeping me in your hearts and I hope to some day to be able to return everything you have all given to me tenfold someday.
With Endless Love from Denver,
Jason
That love is boomeranged WHOOSH right back at you from all of us Damn Yankees!!!
We are having the most beautiful snow…imagine big white fluffy flakes and snuggle into that prayer shawl with a delish Applegate smirk or stand on your bed and sing away, belting the leuk monster with an imaginary pitchfork in your tethered arm…
bahahaha!!!
It’s 70 degrees here 🙂
(: