Oil and Gas Parallels

I’m an oilman, ladies and gentlemen. I have numerous concerns spread across this state. I have many wells flowing at many thousand barrels per day. I like to think of myself as an oilman. As an oilman, I hope that you’ll forgive just good old-fashioned plain speaking.I assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that if we do find oil here – and I think there’s a very good chance that we will – this community of yours will not only survive, it will flourish.- Daniel Plainview

I can’t help but notice the parallels in my line of work (outside of blogging) with some of the procedures I’ve had to endure in the hospital. Like the DJ Basin to our north, the sedimentary layers of my body have been drilled, cored, fracked, poked, and threaded with all manner of equipment designed to inject or extract my raw materials. Piping has been run through the formations of my human earth for the purpose of exploration, production and exploitation of valuable hazardous materials. I’m a living oil and gas field with a reasonable amount of flaring (which is the releasing of toxic gases into the atmosphere for you layfolk).

Here’s a picture of the PICC Line I have mentioned. It is basically a pipe that has been threaded through the vein in my arm, through my chest and lands directly into my heart. It’s a very efficient way to deliver drugs into my bloodstream without damaging the frail nerves of my extremities. It’s basically like an oil pipeline that moves subterraneously and if it breaks a whole bunch of Sage Grouse are going to get fucked up. This will live in me for months:

We’ve also got a nice little collage of my most recent bone marrow biopsy where they literally drill through various sedimentary formations of my body and pull out a core sample for informational purposes.

Don’t worry, I’m on far more drugs in these pictures than the industry puts into the ground when they drill! Notice the safety precautions taken on my wristband. I assured them it was totally unnecessary, because I’m a fucking champion. I was right, ask them. I was awake, joking and having a great time during the entire procedure.

You can see the little sample they took out of my pelvis in the bottom of the jar. Pretty cute, right? You can probably also see the hospital drugs in my face. Deal with it.

The bone marrow sample cores, spinal taps, blood injection/extractions, PICC line piping layouts and various other procedures have all been integral to my diagnosis and treatment, yet I still feel like these are hostile intrusive activities to my body.Do I feel the earth winking at me from below, or is she giving me an ironic stink-eye?

 Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy. Drained dry. I’m so sorry. Here, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that’s a straw, you see? Watch it. Now, my straw reaches acroooooooss the room and starts to drink your milkshake. I… drink… your… milkshake! I drink it up!

Did you think your song and dance and your superstition would help you, Eli? I am the Third Revelation! I am who the Lord has chosen!